Daniel Guy
'Daniel Nicholas Ayrton Guy ' (February 1995 - 19th July 2013) was a British-American philosopher from Earth. Guy is well known as one of the original members of Squadron. Birth Since the dawn of time, humanity has strived to witness the birth of the perfect human being. This is still yet to occur, but when Daniel was born, the human race realised there was a long way to go. By the River Syr Darya in Northern Uzbekistan, Soqol Bobo (Uzbek for 'woman with the beard of a thousand Santas') reported witnessing a baby crawling out of the water and towards the small village of Jamoa. The baby was unknown to the villagers, so Bobo approached the child. As she did, the baby was, she claims, picked up by 13 swallows, leaving nothing but a rainbow and a fuck load of bird shit in their path. The birds flew the baby Dan to 'Merica, although upon arrival and much discussion with the birds, he convinced them to take him to England as he did not agree with their gun control laws. Charity Work Along with fellow members of Squadron John Ellis and Will Longman, Guy was part of the momentous Sport Relief Mile in 2012. Due to their passion and dedication to helping those less fortunate than themselves, the trio ran a treacherous three miles in front of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II herself to raise a phenomenal amount. Liz said "It was the classiest thing one have ever witnessed. One was more than compelled to have the slaves sent to bring Daniel back to my private quarters. Their efforts wowed the nation after an appearance on live BBC One television, with the hashtag #SquadronSuits trending worldwide on Twitter for just short of three days. Career In 1979, Guy became Research Director and the Director of the Independent Institution for Fiscal Studies. In 1986 he became a professor at the London Business School and founded London Economics, a consultancy firm. He was the first director of Oxford's Said Business School from 1997 to 1999, and has written at some length as to why he chose to resign after only two years. He has served as a director of Halifax plc and of several investment companies. During his career, Guy founded several economic theories including the residual risk of a bounded rationality when contestable markets have a classical dichotomy in a closed economy. This then lead the the commodisation of opportunity costs in the labour workforce capital, causing a major global structural adjustment. After single handedly causing Britain to decline into a triple-dip recession, stealing all the money from Greece and putting horse meat into vegetarian Quron burgers, Guy decided to turn to philosophy. He became renowned for his views which centered on a simple mathematic formula: "5% of people are alright. The rest are cunts." This formula revolutionised the planet, with world peace being achieved amongst all religions and countries only minutes after the publication of his book, The Cunts And I: An Important Debate in Squadron Studies. Religion Deep in the depths of the Kudjewara Forest, Siberia, lives a small tribe of 34 people who are known as the Kimba Tribe. Myths state that they tribespeople discovered Guy's GCSE revision podcast, and all acheived A*'s as a result, causing them to feel a closeness with their deity and devoting their life to him. Over the last two years, the Kimba Tribe have prayed 137 times a day to a large statue of a dog that they believe will produce the second coming of these revision podcasts. The tribe also have some perculiar traditions. Instead of clean water, the tribe walks 12 miles every day to collect Monster from the local town, of which they drink, and bathe in. The tribe also has a requirement of mothers supervising their children's sexual encounters to deliver exactly 20 gallons of lube, when required. If this is not readily available, it is believed the Great Lord Dnayrton will cause the second Flood of Lube, that last occurred in 2008. If too much lube is used, it is feared both parties will develop Cerebal Paulsy, due to the extreme pleasure. Controvesy On July 15th, 2013, Squadron members Will Longman and John Ellis opened a hotel door whilst conincidently filming (John was holding a boom mic whilst Will was controling the camera and lighing), to find an unsuspecting Guy mid-way through sexual acts with celebrity tattoo artist Kat Von Dee and rapper Felipe Andres Coronel (better known as Immortal Technique.) The video was an instant hit, with Prime Minister David Cameron stating, "It was the best thing I've ever seen. I didn't think something that perfectly shaped and coloured was quite that possible. It was extraordinary how he got it to look like that. I look forward to meeting Daniel on his arrival home and complimenting his tattoo in person." Breaking Bad This isn't relevant, but have you seen Breaking Bad? You haven't? Fucking hell man, best show. Once you start watching, you can't stop. I'm on season four, it's just so fucking good. I can't believe you don't watch it. It's on Netflix, mate. One month free trial, but you'll only need it for a week. Such a good show. It's like Teletubbies for adults, but they're all on crack. Love it. Can't even believe you, man. Personal Life On dark, cold November night of 2008, Guy was in a quiet disco bar. (Yes, he was like 13 but he was an old looking 13. Okay? It's not a flaw in this story, he lost his fucking virginity aged 8 so get over it.) He was slowly drowning his sorrows in his seventh glass of double scotch after a lonely night at the gym, when he spotted a girl across the dance floor, Natalie Pile. Having never danced before, Dan felt compelled to move his feet to the music of The Bee Gees, which luckily had just started playing. He gyrated over to Miss Pile, and the dancefloor simultaneously cleared. It was like that scene from Saturday Night Fever with John Travolta. Man, what a terrible movie. Anyway, watch this, and imagine Dan doing it... Now make them do that. It will be hilarious. Anyway, Natalie wooed him with her favourite Riverdance, and they spent the night doing things that should not be named. They got married in 2013 at the beginning of July, just in case something happened during Turkey. It was during this wedding that Dan first came in contact with his long lost uncle Jim Bob Guy. Dan was so fascinated with the way Jim Bob shot rats with his shot gun, arrived at the wedding in his mobile chicken coop-van and the way he chewed tobacco and spat it out whereever he was. This convinced Dan to become a redneck. She currently resides, widowed, in Texas with their 9 children; Billy, Billy Bob, Billy Rae, Buck, Cletus, Clint, Dan Jr., Johnny and Cash. Needless to say, Natalie feels slightly outnumbered on the farm. Death Disaster Dan Guy was a sufferer of 'aerophobia, '''an irrational fear of flying, but in 2013 after a holiday in Marmaris, that fear turned out to be very rational. On an early morning flight from Dalaman, Turkey returning home to England after a weeks holiday, a drunken Guy forced his way into the cockpit of the plane, concussing the two pilots and causing the aircraft to malfunction. In the attempt to make an emergency landing, it crashed into the heart of London, destroying the London Eye. Miraculously, Daniel Guy was the only casualty. Reaction Following the incident, there was much reaction to Guys untimely death. Even the Prime Minister released a statement representing the grief of the nation. Flowers and messages from friends, wellwishers and Squadron FC fans flooded the site where the crash happened. When interviewed later, the Squadron FC manager said "I don't want to get ahead off myself, but Dan Guy was definitely in the top 10 Squadron players of all time, he'll be difficult to replace." The team retired his shirt number '69', and funded for the London Eye to be repaired, and renamed Dansthird Eye. Three days after his death, Immortal Technique released the single ''Spitting Bars with 2pac, Now. Once a year to mark the anniversary of his death, the stars align to create the illusion of the name 'Dan' in the sky. This is known as The Slushbucket Constellation.